Bestie. Pickleball partner. King Dedede co-pilot. Italy correspondent. Currently unavailable due to a very important engagement.
On a date that will live in history, Robert called Christopher on FaceTime.
Christopher did not pick up. Robert, a caring and reasonable best friend,
was briefly concerned. Was Christopher okay? Was he lost in Italy? Was he—
He was on the shitter.
And listen. Robert does not care.
Robert would have FaceTimed anyway. This website exists as proof.
Christopher once declared himself an AI hater. Principled. Firm. Correct, some might say. Then the world decided Christopher needed to use AI anyway. And then — in a twist that nobody saw coming except everyone — Christopher downloaded Super Whisper. A voice-to-text AI app. For his phone. That he uses. Daily.
"AI is overhyped." — Christopher, with complete confidence. Badge of honor. No notes. Absolutely correct in his own mind.
Life had other plans. Work happened. The world happened. Christopher had to use AI. Christopher used AI. Christopher's worldview: rattled.
Christopher, former AI hater, downloaded a voice-to-text AI app. Christopher now dictates messages. Christopher refuses to fully acknowledge the irony. This website fully acknowledges it for him.
Still skeptical. Still using it. This is called "nuance." Or denial. Probably denial. The jury is on the shitter.
Christopher and Robert were in a pickleball league together. They played. They dinked. They probably argued about score at least once. Christopher is a pickleball guy. You know the type. The type who will 100% bring up pickleball within 5 minutes of any conversation. This is not a criticism. This is facts.
Robert and Christopher, partners in crime, partners in pickleball. An alliance forged in dinking and sustained by competitiveness.
Christopher's dink is his art form. His love language. You don't understand pickleball until you've watched Christopher's dink face.
Christopher brings championship energy to every match. Even recreational leagues. ESPECIALLY recreational leagues. This is a compliment and a warning.
Christopher's relationship with his paddle is personal. We will not speculate further. We will only say it is a committed relationship.
Robert is moving to New York.
Christopher hates New York. Christopher loves San Francisco.
Christopher has explicitly refused to move to New York.
Robert will convince him eventually. This is not a prediction. This is a spoiler.
Robert and Christopher both play Super Smash Bros online. Both play King Dedede. Two guys. One character. Zero shame. Their goal is simple: dunk on people. Their success rate: embarrassingly high.
King Dedede main
Dunk specialist
Also King Dedede
Also dunks
Robert and Christopher went on a cruise together.
They had a great time. There was a comedian on this cruise.
The comedian did what comedians do: picked someone from the crowd for a roast.
The comedian picked Christopher.
The joke was that Christopher looked like a pedophile.
He does not look like a pedophile.
This is a roast joke. Christopher is a fine, normal, non-pedophilic person.
The comedian was doing bits. And yet. And yet.
It happened. On a cruise. In front of people. With Robert there to witness it.
While Robert is packing boxes and preparing for the horrors of New York, Christopher is in Italy. Eating pasta. Walking cobblestones. Being unreachable on FaceTime for reasons that are now a matter of public record.
Christopher is eating better than Robert. This is provably true. The pasta alone justifies the trip.
Ancient ruins. Cobblestone streets. Absolutely none of this was visible during the FaceTime that never happened.
Italian espresso is world-class. Christopher is sipping it. Robert is sipping New York bodega coffee. It is not the same.
Italian bathrooms are famously... distinctive. Christopher has done his research firsthand. He is now an expert. He wrote a memoir. It was declined by publishers.
Christopher is genuinely one of the best guys around. He's been there through everything —
the pickleball leagues, the Smash Bros sessions, the cruise, the AI era, all of it.
He moved to Italy and is thriving, despite being unreachable during important FaceTime calls
for very legitimate restroom-related reasons.
Robert is moving to New York. Christopher is not moving to New York.
Robert will get him there eventually.
This website was built because Robert wanted to talk and Christopher was on the shitter.
Technology is beautiful.
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